Dr. Tarrec’s Free Weekly Horoscope #24

Aries – Open the Book of Prevarications to any page at random; you will find an honest answer there.  Look, also, for hidden messages embedded in the text.

Taurus – Is this good policy? Sensible and judicious under the circumstance? Is it good judgement, especially in dealing with other people? Then why do you mock and deride it so? You infuriate others and make yourself look foolish and calloused.

Gemini – Let laughter come up from the spleen; it has to be good for something eventually…

Cancer – Look again. You have secret plague-sores and inflamed carbuncles. Treat your chilblains with a mixture of eggs, wine, and fennel root. Times have changed. Make arrangements to begin school in the fall.

Leo – Under no circumstance should you speak to the voices in your head; be they spirits of the hearth or goblins damned, you are not prepared to begin that conversation.

Virgo – Make the triangle sign. Heed the Oracle of the Cosmos and conjure up from Hel the prince and power of darkness. Learn the incantations of mystical bedlam.

Libra – Interrogate the world with wind and words; apply quadratic equations as necessary.

Scorpio – Now is the time for roasting Sulfur. Wash it all in the steep-down gulfs of liquid fire. Ignore the screams coming from the mid-way.

Sagittarius – Are you finally going to do as I instructed? Shut up your doors against the vermin of the night.

Capricorn – Take smoked meats, oysters, and periwinkle. All these foods are yours, except long-pork. Attempt no nourishment there.

Aquarius – Instead of using traditional police methods, for a felon catch a fox, strike off from him, while quick, the tusk. Incarceration will follow hard upon.

Pisces – Oh! Pinion him like a thief. Pluck at his beard; take his leg and gouge out his eye. You’ll be doing me a huge favor.