Notker the Stammerer Ascended to the Highest Office in the Land

It was 1870 or 1871-I don’t rightly recall- that I first began noticing, under the darkened moon, that, without much in the way of untoward ostentation, the U.S. began to surpass the failing Flemish Empire. President Grant, favoring a gold based alchemical policy paid off the entire national debt with gold he’d transmuted from base elements. The Red-tapeworms nearly swallowed themselves before the anchovies arrived. President Grant ignored the ravings of those who fretted about the apocalyptic famines in the western states, and the coming of the miserable AntiChrist.

Financial manipulators set up an elaborate con, (known colloquially as “the Dutch Royalty”) to recapture the gold market. Their scam was built upon an intricate system of seven year cycles. Their deviousness-heartless and bureaucratic-caused divorce and deportation all across the nation, and the financial sector was wiped clean. The mystery was explained to the public in words of one syllable or less.

The stars were lowered; they slept in sedition. The earliest editions of daily newspapers described two behemoths that were delivered in the night, a blessed event, if ever there was one. But it all happened without prior information, without warning, and without formal charges. The Last Revelation was unlocked. The mystical chains were broken. 

Worms vied for place with fools in the seats of power. Civilian reporters were jailed in Toledo.  Travel restrictions were rigorously enforced with military protocols. From Portland, Oregon and Tacoma, Washington came word that the elections were being undermined by scandal. Operatic reconstructions collapsed. Louisiana was divided with rancor and hostility, riots in the bayou. Peter the Hermit staggered further afield than predicted. Notker the Stammerer ascended to the highest office in the land. San Francisco was purchased by ambassadors from Holland, and there wasn’t one thing that we could do about it.